Fuck cancer

Cancers are basically pussies. They are emotional, moody, and needy.

Excerpt from one website “He needs more, more security, more love and more care. Insecurity may lead him to depression and weaken him physically. However, Cancerians have this amazing quality of self-healing. All they require is happiness, optimism and laughter in large doses. They are prone to negative thoughts and are always preparing for the unseen future”

Its true i do worry about the future.

So I quickly search for Cancer/Gemini compatibility with hopes high that me and my girlfriend are meant to be.

Fuck Cancer

“A Cancerian man needs lots of love, care and attention, which is definitely not her cup of tea. She has too many interests and distractions to do this.”

“The love maybe strong but a long term relation is very unlikely”

The worst part is it’s fucking true I need lots of love not physical love but I’m emotionally needy and I don’t know why. I know my girlfriend loves me alot, shit I know she love me more than most, probably more than any. She just naturally cold and emotionality distant by nature or by Zodiac sign.

But if it dosent work out I guess it was because I was born in July and she was born in May.

single mom: “that’s a big risk for me. I don’t want my kid seeing mom with different guys. not that I’m seeing all these guys, but you know what I mean, over time. my kid is off limits, so if one of these nights he comes over and my kid wakes up, that might be the ending point.”

my kid met 2 of my girlfriends, 2 and 4 years old, respectively.

my situation was sorta different because I didn’t see my kid that much then, and now, not at all. but like most of what my exes do with me, I still keep up with her.

I know it’s kinda sad, seeing her grow up thru pictures, but I get happy just seeing her grow up, knowing her mom is teaching her piano, or laughing, or just posing, and wondering if she does the same wide-eyed expressions as me.

my last ex girlfriend had a kid, and I met him pretty fast into our relationship.

if I meet a kid, I don’t treat them any different. I know I should, but I don’t. I treat them as regular people. I acted like that to my kid as well.

my friend: “I like that you’re not doing baby talk, you’re talking to her as you would normally”

my ex would get mad at times when I referred to her kid as kid, like, hey, does your kid like so and so.

ex: “he’s not a kid, he’s…(and then she’d call him by a nickname and not his real name.)

I feel there’s something to be said of that.

the one time she got really mad was when I suggested her son was gay.

I’m just glad I didn’t use the word faggot.

I met another single mom once where I met her kids about 2 weeks into seeing her.

the kids were 3 and 5.

I’ve dated other moms and I usually meet their kid(s) pretty fast. I never understood why, but I’m usually the one that doesn’t want to meet them.

my friend told me it was because I may end up liking the kid.

but no, I mean, I like all kids, that’s a given, but my thing is, what if it doesn’t work out?

what if the kid gets attached?

one mom, she called me late at night, 3 days after it ended, leaving a drunken sad voicemail. she wasn’t crying, but she sounded defeated.

mom: “….the kids do, they still ask about you, they’re like, ‘where’s Steven?’. ‘oh Steven’s not mommy’s friend anymore. mommy made Steven mad. and Steven doesn’t want to be mommy’s friend.’ kinda sucks, but…”

some kids have walked in on a mom and I sleeping.

I always find it a bit odd they are cool with it. they just get on the bed and plop themselves right in the middle.

one incident

kid: “mommy, does Steven have underwears on?”

I pretend I’m asleep, thinking to myself, what other guys with no underwears sleep on this bed?

I think I want to start calling girls, pieces.

(wait, i just realized in order to really use the word piece, they have to be mine; nevermind…or is that never mine?)

speaking of pieces, or, er, um, slices…..

my friend: “hey man, this girl’s from Alaska; she’s fucking hot. if it don’t work out with me and her, you want her?”

I’m thinking, that’s really sweet.

my friend: “yeah man, let me know. you can have some nice Eskimo pie.”

I’m out with a friend getting fucked up.

my friend: “man, you don’t know any girls you can just call up and fuck?”

nevermind that I didn’t have any minutes on my phone.

me: ”no. I’m lame like that.”
my friend: “tell me about it.”

a short awkward pause later.

my friend: “look, i think we are both relatively attractive guys……”

an awkward pause again, this time, longer.

me: “hey, um, wanna take me to my house to get clothes and then I can stay over?”
girl: “well, yeah, I thought that was the plan. I mean, I wanted to see you, so I figured you’d stay.”
me: “seeing me and staying are different. and you also said you were looking for a real relationship and weren’t going to fuck me but then we fucked.”
girl: “ugh, don’t call me out, let’s go get your clothes.”

at her house, I do the usual things people do at other people’s houses, which is look thru their shit and sigh and criticize everything of their belongings.

me: “you have a cure poster on your wall.”
girl: “stop it. you are NOT gonna make fun of the music I like.”
me: “chillout, sheesh, I was just making a comment. I like the cure too dude, I like 17 seconds.”
girl: “what’s 17 seconds?
me: mumbling “exactly”

sometimes I don’t even criticize and people still get pissed off.

what is it about me that evokes pessimism?

artist who is painting me: “you stand weird, you crook your leg a little”
a girl I used to fuck and then it just stopped: “you’re aloof, you have this weird sad look where you look down at nothing in particular.”
a past girlfriend: “you look bored, and intimidating. I drank a lot before I came up to you”

I’m putting all my toiletries on her counter, I hang up my pants and shirt in her closet and I start getting ready for bed, or if you are this girl, for fucking.

at my house I usually sleep with boxers and just walk around in them. but at other people’s houses, I like to wear shorts. I don’t feel right walking around in just Target plaid boxer shorts.

me: “hey, you got any shorts I can sleep in?”
girl: “just wear your boxers.”
me: “I’d like shorts please”
girl: “ugh, you’re fucking high maintenance man.”
me: “I just want shorts, sheesh.”
girl: “sheesh? who the fuck says that?”

she looks thru her drawer

girl: “here.”

the shorts look big.

me: “are these your boyfriends?”
girl: “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
me: “are these your exes?”
girl: “who cares, you gonna wear them or not?”
me: “sure.”

that was my reply but I really wanted to say was, yes, I do care, these shorts are big and I feel like I can’t compensate down there. and what if I ever get with you for real real, then I’m gonna bring up these shorts and I’m gonna get pissed why you still have them,  and you are gonna be like, that’s the past Steven, get over it, and I’m gonna be like, no, fuck that, I hate you, I’m gonna start wearing my girlfriend’s pajama pants she left at my house and see how you like it, and then you are gonna get pissy and say I’m doing it outta spite and blah blah. I hate you

but you can’t tell girls that, you let your guard down, any sign of feeling, and they gut you.

I put them on and even when I tie them, they are falling down sorta.

girl: “you look so cute right now in those shorts.”

I don’t say anything but I smile to the side, in a way where she didn’t see me smile.

after sex, I put on the shorts and walk around her apt trying to soak up the central air and being close to the refrigerator cause I’m sweaty and hot.

I come back to her bedroom.

girl: “you look so silly in those shorts”
me: “but before you said that I…”
girl: “I was just trying to get you in the mood.”

I don’t say anything

So far, i’ve been in 8 bands or so. not too sure.

All of these band’s styles didn’t really appeal to me. Some of them just sucked. It’s weird though, some of the bands I’ve quit are still playing today. Now, I’m not bitter but quitting these bands was really a good thing. I really can’t handle being a part of something that I hate.

The style of music that I would love to play are very basic but enjoyable. (simplicity is bliss)

It’s crazy because I look at others and see that the use of multi-tracking software and such, is allowing people to create amazing music with multiple instruments. I did this once with a song called sweet haven. I’ll post it when I find it.

i hope playing music isn’t in my past. My bass and amp are in storage.

i didn’t get to go to bad religion however, it was good to spend time with my boy. And, Gwar is coming to town in June… it’ll be amazing!!!

GWAR!!! Christina and i will be there…. count on it! I want to be in the pit but i noticed that i pulled something in my back last night… Depressing.

I remember back when shows would come to town all the time! We used to save all our cash to buy the shirt that we thought wouldn’t be sold at sam goody, flip side or hogwild. It was a gamble. A gamble worth taking.

I remember going to see clutch. We went to burger boy to get fries and saw neil fallon there asking for grilled chicken. They didn’t have it so he just ordered a drink and left. later at the show, he was on stage and said, “Damn!, too much burger boy is kickin’ my ass!” my cousin and i looked at each other and grinned because we knew what was up. It was ok though, being that he is neil fallon and all….

back then, my cousin bought a vhs of limp bizkit from rob (rob’s metal works)… man, he sucked.

Bad Religion 30th Anniversary Celebration from Bad Religion on Vimeo.